In August 2007, I got married. India Today asked for an article. I forget why it had been commissioned. Nor does the original link seem to exist any more on the internet. I found a copy of the article and here it is. A question that forever bothers many — love vs arranged marriage.

I got married a few weeks ago. By Indian standards, it is late. Probably by now I should have been a mum at least a couple of times over and worrying about homework. Instead, I opted to concentrate on my career as a publisher. Well, that’s the easiest story to trot out to anyone who would care to ask about why I have not been married all this time.

The pressure to “settle down” began in college when my Dadi began to hint at it. There were gentle suggestions to comments accompanied by a long sigh, “Please don’t delay settling down, otherwise you will be too set in your ways and it won’t be easy to find a husband for you.” As the years rolled on, the pressure became worse. It had insidious ways of making its presence felt. For instance, one day I was accompanying Nana on his walk, we met an old friend of his who by way of “polite” conversation, asked if I was settled. Before I could reply, Nana said, “Oh don’t ask her. She has decided not to get married.” (I was not even 25!) My parents fortunately supported me and said, “Let her finish studying and then she will decide. “ I was relieved. My Nani and mum may have got married at the “right age” of 21 and 22, respectively. But I had good examples in my great-grandmothers’ who got married at 27 and 28 respectively. In fact, one of them only agreed to marry her husband upon her return from Goucher College in the early twentieth century. (He was standing at Bombay port waiting for her ship to dock with a bunch of red roses. He had waited eight years for her. )

Once I joined the workforce, the pressure really intensified. Since I was obviously not making “sufficient” progress in finding the right partner for me, various concerned adults around start clucking and doing the needful. I began to dread those unexpected dinner/wedding invitations or even the unexpected “visitor” at work. It was ridiculous! I began to receive “rishtas” from all over the place. Funnily enough these were 99.9% from the concerned mothers, sisters, aunts and other sundry women of the “prospective groom”. Initially, I would go with the flow and figured, if the elderlies are “introducing” us, then surely the actual moment would be fine. Then, slowly it began to dawn upon me, after a few such “set ups” that this was a futile exercise. It was the women who were more concerned than the guy. Over time, as I began to grow in my career, the silliest excuse began to be used to fob me off. Then my twin brother got married. Oh dear! What tragedy. Instead of congratulating me on such a happy occasion, I was being commiserated. “Poor girl! Your twin brother is getting married before you.” But what really took the cake was that when it became evident that I still had not found someone suitable and had crossed that dreaded age of 30 that I began to receive “kindly advice”. The classic was, “When you meet men in your social circuit or otherwise, please do not talk about work. Or even for that matter tell them that you live at home with your parents. You should always keep quiet and listen to what the man has to say!” Well… .

I gave up. This was a hellish emotional roller coaster ride and very distracting from my career. After a while I swore, that I would not compromise. I hated the fact that people would pass judgment without really getting to know you. For instance, I heard comments like, “You are a beautiful and competent girl, but men get intimidated by strong women like you!” Also, I disliked the fact that they would assume that I was purely career oriented and hence, knew no other skills. Well, snooks to them! I refused to speak about the “homely” skills that I had since those are more life skills than “qualifications for being a commodity in the marriage market”.

Anyway, I did not and still do not regret exploring the “arranged” marriage route. All the parties concerned did their best in locating a suitable match. You name it! From the well settled NRI to a “good match” in India. I saw and met the spectrum. It’s always done with the best intention at heart. Also, the idea is to sort out all “parameters” – family, education, value systems, tastes, personalities etc. After all, in India, a marriage is not between the bride and groom alone, but also between the two families. It’s a far more complicated procedure. It has its positives and negatives. Well, it did not work for me.

Instead I found my husband on my own. Or rather, we found each other. Internet zindabad! J In the early days of our courtship, if complete strangers asked us whether it was an arranged or a love marriage, we would falter for an answer. Finally, we decided, it was definitely love. What else can one say?

Jacob and I had registered on a matrimonial website. After his persistence, I deigned to reply to his messages. Then we agreed to meet. Well… he decided within two minutes of seeing me that I was going to be his wife. He proposed in less than twenty four hours. I was horrified and said no, and rejected him. But, he persisted and we continued to meet. Well, obviously I agreed to marry him. I suppose it is appropriate for this modern day fairy tale that he turned out to be a “Cavalier” as he had been “knighted” last year by the Italian president. What more could one ask for! (By the way, Jacob too had met many prospective brides. So he was very familiar and sensitive to my situation.)

After we had met, we decided that we could only proceed after our families had met and approved. Fortunately, it turned out exactly like that and we had everyone’s blessings and we were married within a couple of months. Of course, it was a pleasant coincidence that we were from the same community and denomination, he is “well settled”, we are living in sneezing distance of our families and most importantly, he is not at all “intimidated” by my career. It’s a love marriage that was arranged by modern technology and is a partnership between equals.

Having explored both routes, it is very hard to conclude that one is better than the other. I guess if we had not been through the “arranged” route umpteen times, we would not have been able to assess each other swiftly. So, in a way, there was some merit in having been through many introductions. Yet, there is also a sense of peace in that we took the decision to choose our partner ourselves. This is life. It has its trials and tribulations. Sometimes a clear cut route like that of an arranged match works and sometimes, it takes time to find the right person.

(First published in 2007 by India Today.)

28 July 2025